Afraid to be alone

I was wondering if you really love someone do you just trust and believe in what they say and not worry if they are being loyal or not. Just enjoy your moments together and cherish them. So what that they may be cheating. I wonder does it even matter anyway. Every man cheats. So, if you choose to fall in love, or dont chose to and it just happens, you will be cheated on. So, you might as well not even snoop because you know you will find something. But, you want a warning so you will know to prepare and leave and not get too hurt before he leaves you for the one he is cheating with. So, you drive yourself crazy snooping and get hurt for something that you already knew was going to happen. You would be cheated on. You knew this. So, really who is blame for the pain you are feeling now. Just yourself. He only did what all men do. What you already know. So, you dont want to be alone. And your only option is marry someone who will cheat. So, what do you do. You can be alone and be safe from ever getting hurt. OR you can join a relationship that you know is doomed. So you give up your soul, because you are not comfortable being alone and give in to the con man who promises and you believe. A trained belief that you know is a lie. But, you keep pushing those horrible thoughts out of your head. You just want to believe. You pretend everything is ok...but deep inside you are a mess. You are killing yourself because you are afraid to be alone. Its so so sad.

Stand up and take back your life!

Everyday I learn something new about someone in my life, whether they are close to me or just someone I meet during out and about. Most of the time, it is people opening up to me about their hurts and abuse that has happened to them. It completely saddens me. So much I feel and it is so intense. I am beginning to be very angry over these issues and the way people are towards others. We are all human and we are trying to live this damn life and get through it all. There is so much to enjoy, but when people are greedy, arrogant, and lie and cheat and betray and belittle and be mean, it is so hard to really truely enjoy the beauty that exists in this world. So, often people dont even see it because of the hurt that these mean people cause. Its so unfair and it needs to stop. It needs to stop now. Sadly it wont stop now. I believe it can change. I believe it will one day. But, it wont change unless people stand up and express that they are sick of it and take action instead of sitting in front of that damn tv and letting falseness and pathetic displays cloud their reality, cloud their life. I am so sick of seeing all this hurt and abuse and nothing being done about it!

Excuses

I am going through something right now. People tell me that I am finally growing up and coming into my own. But, I find it all a little sad. For most of my life, I believed that people were all good inside and had good intentions. And, if they did something hurtful it was only because of something not being healed from thier past. I still wish to believe that. And, largely I do. But, I am wondering if I am just making excuses or is this really reality. There is so much corruption all over and greed. I am beginning to judge people for their wrong doings and I am beginning to be very suspicious of everyone. I use to go into every relationship just trusting right off. Unless, you were a BF, then I was suspicious that he would cheat. But, if he said he had not, I believed him. But, now when I meet a person, I have my walls up. I no longer am open and revealing about who I am anymore. I dont like that. I am living in fear because of these people misleading me. You know there is this belief that if you believe, it will happen. Well, I believed that people were decent inside. But, that does not make it so. As I write this blog, I realize even more that even the large scale injusticies and "wrongs" are built up from years and years or hardships, of people believing they need to impress to be accepted....probably because they were not fully accepted by parents OR because theit parents were well accepted and now that child feels the need to hold the same idolization as their parents had or some other deep seated issue. Am I again just making more excuses?

Changes in neighborhoods

Life is so different now from what it was before...that is nothing new to us. Our bushes and fences are higher to block out our neighbors. To hide from them and so they cant see what we are doing. We walk into our doors barely evening notice these people we live next to. We are afraid to even look at each other when we are on an elevator together or standing in line waiting to pay for our groceries. It is so sad and pathetic. I remember as a kid, walking by myself to the little market 6 blocks away, at the age of 6. I knew almost all the neighbors and the people employed at the market. My mother always shared tea and meals with our neighbors. They use to play cards together. We had cookouts and shared each others pools and yards. For fourth of July, the nieghbors all pitched in and bought fireworks that my stepfather set off for everyone. We gathered together. We enjoyed each other and we got along. It was fun. Why did that all change for most neighborhoods? Fear is what I think. And that is a shame that we have this fear of whether or not we could trust our neighbors because of a few greedy people. Most people, I believe, have good intentions and it is sad that we allow those few that are greedy keep us shut up hiding in our homes and behind our sunglasses.