DOnt know what to do anymore

Ah....Im lost at what to do. I have not a clue at all. My toilet clogged tonight and is still clogged as my plunger does not work or my little girl stuffed so much toilet paper in there that there is no hope that I can possess the skills in fixing a clogged toilet. But, that is the least of what I am concerned about having no idea what to do. After the toilet clogged, I cried and cried....and no...not because the toilet clogged....well, ok partially. I was intending on going to bed early for once, 1AM or 1:30 is early for me. Well...when the toilet ran all over and I dirtied at least 16 towels trying to clean it up, my early night to bed was not going to be fulfilled. At 2:34 all is cleaned up, towels in the dryer. And I am crying again. I cant take it anymore. I cant. I dont know what to do. Every area of my life is a wreck. Every area. I am trying so hard to fix everything and to do what is right for myself and my girls. But, everything falls apart beyond my control and I dont understand why. AND when it falls apart, it is really apart....broken, done or it is extremely hard to fix. I pray for an easy fix to just ONE situation. But, I must not be favorable in God;s eyes as that prayer has not ever happened. My garbage disposal is broken and now my sink is constantly clogged and I cant fix it and have no money to fix it. My toilet is now clogged and I cant fix it and have no car anymore to go out and buy a better plunge or Drano to unclog. My car just broke two weeks ago, but I cant fix it. I have no money to fix it. I just bought a new computer because my other laptop broke too...(only a year old). And any $$ that I could be making, I had to cancel because I need my car to get to my clients. SO, cancelled a bunch of clients this week which would have supplied me with my needed funds for my rent of my office which is suppose to be opened in January. So, now I dont even have that. I have no family to fall on. No one knows about my situation. No one and I dont know what to do. Imagine asking anyone for help. Ha. No one would believe how bad it is here. It sucks so much the aftermath of an abuse...the toll it takes on your mind and heart that you fall apart so much that you dont realize how far you fell apart when it is too late to really fix anything. And you secluded yourself so much that you have no where to turn to. I really feel myself having to leave to go away if something does not shift soon. I dont know what to do anymore to fix this. Since I am stuck at home without a car to see my clients, I have been selling everything I own on eBay to hopefully secure enought $$ to at least get my office and advertising and a down payment for a new car. This weather is getting cold and I cant be dragging my girls to the stores in this. One...its a long walk to the store...and two its embarrassing walking to the store. Sure let everyone see how bad that cop got me. Im trying so hard too...but without the funds to give me that jump start to just be able to afford a car and someone to fix my garbage disposal so I can finally have a clean sink. Wow...very pathetic I am. My dreams and goals are fading away because of my attempt to simply just survive and I cant even accomplish that. Wow. What the hell happened to me to be this. How could I have let that abuse affect me so much. How could I have let him have this power over me. How? I think I can finally sleep now. I hope...well only for 3 hours....man, this sux. I reallly need more sleep. And its not like I am out having fun. Im not. Im really trying...really trying. But, I think I need help for once in my life. I have been doing it since 13 on my own. 20 years later, after having 7 different life changes, having storm upon bigger storm attack me, having to constantly pick up the debris from each storm all by myself...just have the next wave come over me...and not little things...but huge life changing shit. I think it is time I get help somehow cause I simply cant do this on my own anymore. But I honestly have no idea what to do or how to. Ok...sleep now girl. Sleep.

Afraid to be alone

I was wondering if you really love someone do you just trust and believe in what they say and not worry if they are being loyal or not. Just enjoy your moments together and cherish them. So what that they may be cheating. I wonder does it even matter anyway. Every man cheats. So, if you choose to fall in love, or dont chose to and it just happens, you will be cheated on. So, you might as well not even snoop because you know you will find something. But, you want a warning so you will know to prepare and leave and not get too hurt before he leaves you for the one he is cheating with. So, you drive yourself crazy snooping and get hurt for something that you already knew was going to happen. You would be cheated on. You knew this. So, really who is blame for the pain you are feeling now. Just yourself. He only did what all men do. What you already know. So, you dont want to be alone. And your only option is marry someone who will cheat. So, what do you do. You can be alone and be safe from ever getting hurt. OR you can join a relationship that you know is doomed. So you give up your soul, because you are not comfortable being alone and give in to the con man who promises and you believe. A trained belief that you know is a lie. But, you keep pushing those horrible thoughts out of your head. You just want to believe. You pretend everything is ok...but deep inside you are a mess. You are killing yourself because you are afraid to be alone. Its so so sad.

Stand up and take back your life!

Everyday I learn something new about someone in my life, whether they are close to me or just someone I meet during out and about. Most of the time, it is people opening up to me about their hurts and abuse that has happened to them. It completely saddens me. So much I feel and it is so intense. I am beginning to be very angry over these issues and the way people are towards others. We are all human and we are trying to live this damn life and get through it all. There is so much to enjoy, but when people are greedy, arrogant, and lie and cheat and betray and belittle and be mean, it is so hard to really truely enjoy the beauty that exists in this world. So, often people dont even see it because of the hurt that these mean people cause. Its so unfair and it needs to stop. It needs to stop now. Sadly it wont stop now. I believe it can change. I believe it will one day. But, it wont change unless people stand up and express that they are sick of it and take action instead of sitting in front of that damn tv and letting falseness and pathetic displays cloud their reality, cloud their life. I am so sick of seeing all this hurt and abuse and nothing being done about it!

Excuses

I am going through something right now. People tell me that I am finally growing up and coming into my own. But, I find it all a little sad. For most of my life, I believed that people were all good inside and had good intentions. And, if they did something hurtful it was only because of something not being healed from thier past. I still wish to believe that. And, largely I do. But, I am wondering if I am just making excuses or is this really reality. There is so much corruption all over and greed. I am beginning to judge people for their wrong doings and I am beginning to be very suspicious of everyone. I use to go into every relationship just trusting right off. Unless, you were a BF, then I was suspicious that he would cheat. But, if he said he had not, I believed him. But, now when I meet a person, I have my walls up. I no longer am open and revealing about who I am anymore. I dont like that. I am living in fear because of these people misleading me. You know there is this belief that if you believe, it will happen. Well, I believed that people were decent inside. But, that does not make it so. As I write this blog, I realize even more that even the large scale injusticies and "wrongs" are built up from years and years or hardships, of people believing they need to impress to be accepted....probably because they were not fully accepted by parents OR because theit parents were well accepted and now that child feels the need to hold the same idolization as their parents had or some other deep seated issue. Am I again just making more excuses?

Changes in neighborhoods

Life is so different now from what it was before...that is nothing new to us. Our bushes and fences are higher to block out our neighbors. To hide from them and so they cant see what we are doing. We walk into our doors barely evening notice these people we live next to. We are afraid to even look at each other when we are on an elevator together or standing in line waiting to pay for our groceries. It is so sad and pathetic. I remember as a kid, walking by myself to the little market 6 blocks away, at the age of 6. I knew almost all the neighbors and the people employed at the market. My mother always shared tea and meals with our neighbors. They use to play cards together. We had cookouts and shared each others pools and yards. For fourth of July, the nieghbors all pitched in and bought fireworks that my stepfather set off for everyone. We gathered together. We enjoyed each other and we got along. It was fun. Why did that all change for most neighborhoods? Fear is what I think. And that is a shame that we have this fear of whether or not we could trust our neighbors because of a few greedy people. Most people, I believe, have good intentions and it is sad that we allow those few that are greedy keep us shut up hiding in our homes and behind our sunglasses.

Today is my mom's birthday

Today is my moms birthday and even though she has never called me to wish me a happy birthday since I was a teen, I feel the need to at least text her. Why is it so important to even want to be in contact with her, when she apparently is not concerned about me. She did give me away when I was 13 and never really attempted to have a relationship with me. I was the one that always called and always asked if I could go "home", although not much of a home to me. My brothers and sister just walk right in as if it is no big deal. They were never given away. While I feel the need to knock at the door, after calling first to ask permission to come. I think being abandoned by your family leaves you without any strong roots. You are often frayed looking for somewhere to be planted and tend to trust what should not be trusted because you have never learned what is safe to trust...so you dont recognize that which is safe to trust. That is not comfortable because it is foriegn to you.

Being abandoned by your family as a teen makes you rely on yourself completely. You have no where to turn, no one to help, no one to remind you that you are worthy or valuable. You need to remind yourself of these things and be able to sustain your life and dwelling because you will never have that back up in case you fall.

I feel my mother had to be hurt, and was dealing with her own issues and still has never came out from her cloud. She just falls deeper and deeper because of her regrets and shame. Who knows this is true. But, this is what makes me want to at least send her a happy birthday text. I would hate to believe that she is cold and anything purely negative within. I would hate to believe that of anyone.

Missing him so much.

Well, we have been broken up for over a month now...possibly even two months now. We were only together for 6 months, but it was the most intense 6 months with any guy I have ever dated. We grew extremely close and it was my first relationship after the abuse of the cop, so I was more vulnerable than I ever was and I so much wanted to trust a man. I never worked so hard to forgive and make a relationship work before. I never let myself fall so completely in love before him. Our chemistry was strong, our passion was unique and pure. I had no complaints except I found out he was dating another girl in our second month. Even though I never felt more betrayed ever by a bf, I excused it because we were early in our relationship. I was extremely hurt and my trust issue worsened. But, I already loved him. Really loved him, so I was willing to work through it with him and try to understand. I know he never spoke to her again. But, because of my unsureness if he was seeing someone else, I invaded his privacy by looking at messages and other things to be sure. The passion remained and my love for him grew. And he even asked me to move in with him. I really believed we both felt the same. It was the first time ever having this experience. I love before but never like this. I came to realize he was an alcoholic and was a seriel liar. He came to realize he has a problem and was willing to work on it to keep me. But, I think it got too hard for him to work on and he did not know how to do it and he would not talk to me about it. So, I think he pushed me away because it was easier to deal with life being drunk than without it. It really sux. It really hurts. I know who that man is underneath the hurt he hides under his alcohol. And he is beautiful. I miss that man. And I wish he would stop his drinking and wake up. I messed up too, though after I saw that he was seeing that girl. Acted out of hurt and that did not help. All I know is that I completely love him and miss him. Never felt like this before.

A year ago tonight, I was sexually assaulted by an officer in my home. I called 911 for assistance to remove an unwanted intoxicated visitor off my property. However, after this 6 foot, 3 inches tall officer removed this unwanted visitor, he entered my home and let’s just say, the rest of the night was very unpleasant. And a very tough year followed!
I completely fell apart for 3 to 4 months. I shut myself away from friends and from my practice, as I felt completely useless to help anyone in my condition. How the hell does something like this happen to me, at the age of 33, when my life was a place that I was happy with? Who the hell do I trust now, who the hell can I run to if I need help from now on? I already have no family if I were to fall or needed any help, now I could not even call the police if I needed help.
Thankfully, I had the courage, somewhere within me and with the push of a friend, to report what he had done, so that he would not do this to anyone else. I was scared as hell. I had no idea what would happen. After 7 hours of being interviewed by 5 different detectives and 4 hours of forensic testing at the hospital, they all believed me. The cop was arrested and thankfully pleaded guilty! He is still in jail.
Tonight is going to be a very tough night for me. I am so afraid to be in my home tonight alone. I rearranged my whole house so that the scenery is different. But, still thinking about how much I have changed and how had I am struggling to restart my practice.
I am going to a healing ritual tonight through the direction of a loved friend. Then, going out for some dancing to clear my head, but afterwards, when I return home alone, I hope I will not afraid, but I have a feeling I will. Wish me well, please. And send some healing energy.
I hate that sexual abuse is hushed. I feel if more people spoke up about it, less would happen. I feel if more people were open to learning more, less would happen. People could talk about their cancer, a foreign object that attacks your body. People could talk about being robbed or even attacked, but this is so hard for people to accept. I think that needs to change. Since being open about this experience and my other experiences from my childhood, 7 different people that I know personally, and 6 strangers have admitted their sexual abuses to me and are now healing. Being open helps. It really does.
Here are some facts.
• 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
• 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
• Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
• An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today

Knock walls down....

We all have a dream inside of us that we wish the world would be like. This dream is most likely not what life is like when we watch TV, walk through our neighborhoods, or fly across the world. We see people who are obsessed with greed and power. This reality often saddens many people and breaks us down and allows the cycles to continue the way they are. I believe the majority of people want to have respect and kindness for one another, but they have built walls that cover up that care and concern for one another. This is understandable because of the hurt from either family, a friend, a lover, the government, the police, or the people who are in charge who are suppose to make this world a safer place for us. Therefore, we hide because we are afraid to be vulnerable and to show the beauty we feel deep, deep inside. We stay in fear, because we dont want to be hurt again. However, our hiding just allows these hurts to grow and grow, which creates a great depression, which is where our world is today. We are in a depression in many ways. Besides the economy, the people are depressed emotionally. I think we need to break down these walls that we put up because of the betrayal of others. Keeping these walls up and feeling down and depressed, we are only allowing those that hurt us to continue to have that control over our feelings. We need to take back our control of our own happiness and show each other the respect and the kindness we each deserve just because we are all human. Sure, when we begin to be who we truely are deep, deep inside, this loving caring, fun person, we will get hurt by someone. That will happen. But, you need to remember that you are better than to live in pain and to live in anger because of what another person does. If you choose to live in that pain and with that hurtful anger or saddness you are allowing this person to hurt you again and again. You are allowing them to control you. We should never let another person have that much power over our lives, over how we feel because inside we are all beautiful and we all have so much to offer each other. I believe if we begin expressing our kindness and our niceness to others, this world would become a better place, closer to our dreams of what it would be like.

Old Year Review and New Year Renewal

Happy New Year! This is one of my favorite days of the year. To me, like many others, I make it about a time of reviewing my life for the past year and renewing myself. I evaluate where I was, what I liked, what I accomplished, what I did not, how I changed and so on. This last year was amazing in so many ways. I was accomplishing my goals, I was on a path where I was happy and wanted to be. I had success with my clients, with my girls, I was in the shape that I wanted to be, I was eating mostly organics and working out at least 5 days a week, I was able to go away to Myrtle Beach for two months for vacation, I was in a small band, I was almost finished writing my novel. I was happy and I had lots going on that was positive.Then, I was sexually assaulted by a cop and it took it all away. My world crashed. That was only 4 months ago. I am for the first time in my life unable to meet all my bills, because I was not able to focus on my clients, therefore could not work for a few months, the band is gone, I stopped writing my novel. I dont have the freedom, I did before. So much has happened and change at the end of the last year. So that was my review. Now, to my renewal. Even though that happened to me crumbled my world for a few months, it made me see my goals more clearly. It made me realize that I was not on the path that I really want to be on. I always wanted to help people who were sexually abused and to show people that they can be happy inside despite whatever they are going through. This situation that tore apart my world is putting me back on that path. So, I was broken for a while and honestly, still struggle with what happened. But, this New Year I will be renewed and stronger. I will continue to enhance this website. I am doing my best to do what I can for others. I have a newsletter coming out for my town, beginning on January 14th, that promotes kindness and community, as well as offers some fun stuff too. I will be starting a new website for sexual abuse awareness, as well as start talking with others about this matter. I will be out there helping others because I know how hard certain situations are and I never had the help to get through them. I want to give them something I never had. I want to do what I think needs to be done.