Struggling to want to live

For the past few months, I have been struggling to want to stay alive. Everything is so hard and I feel trapped and like there is no way out but down. I am tired and just wan to sleep forever. Tired of pretending to not be mad at what he did to me. Tired of struggling to get back to where I was before he did this to me. Tired of knowing that he is home with his family celebrating the holidays while I am unable to afford my children the gifts they deserve because they really are the best kids I could ask for. Nothing I seem to do matters anymore. I try so hard to get ahead but I cant. I cant even get a regular job because I am afraid to have a something consistant and have them know my schedule and set me up for something. I tried to get my office up and running and got the security in early and its 3 months later and the office is still not ready for me to move in...nothing of my own fault. Everything I touch falls to pieces except for the people who come to me for help..they walk away happy and more secure and live better lives. But, there is no one at all that I can turn to that does not want me for anything but sex. No one can really do anything to help me with my situation. Talk. Sure I could talk. But is talking going to help me get a new car, pay my cell phone bill, get my office open, get me the $$$ to pay for my rent and everything else? No. I am trying by every means possible, except anything illegal...and nothing is working. I dont sit home and watch tv, nor go out drinking, nor stay in drinking. I work and learn and work and exercise and work more. yet...I get caught in the middle of a tornado just getting my mail in the afternoon. When will it be easier? Its sucks not having family to turn to, even though they live only 2 hours away. It sucks when you are all alone...sure people are there to listen...but no one can help. I help all the time. I take my neighbor to the doctors once a month, make extra food for her for dinner cause I know she is lonely, give clothes to people who need them, give away jewelry to families who could gifts for their kids, use to give $$ to animal shelters and college funds when I had the $$, give free advice to people who ask, console and clean people places if I see they need it...and so on. And I want nothing in return. When someone offers anything to me...its because they want sex or a date. Is that all I am good for? Someone told me niceness wont get you anywhere. I think that sucks. I dont know how much longer I could survive in a world like this where niceness does not prosper. I tried the evil side and it is depressing...but then so is this nice side...ha. So might as well as be evil and get ahead, right? I would die inside if I did. Completely die. I am tired of the fights to just keep my nose above the water. Just to be showing my shoulders and have the deep sea dragon just grab me by my ankles and drown me until I can barely breathe.

DOnt know what to do anymore

Ah....Im lost at what to do. I have not a clue at all. My toilet clogged tonight and is still clogged as my plunger does not work or my little girl stuffed so much toilet paper in there that there is no hope that I can possess the skills in fixing a clogged toilet. But, that is the least of what I am concerned about having no idea what to do. After the toilet clogged, I cried and cried....and no...not because the toilet clogged....well, ok partially. I was intending on going to bed early for once, 1AM or 1:30 is early for me. Well...when the toilet ran all over and I dirtied at least 16 towels trying to clean it up, my early night to bed was not going to be fulfilled. At 2:34 all is cleaned up, towels in the dryer. And I am crying again. I cant take it anymore. I cant. I dont know what to do. Every area of my life is a wreck. Every area. I am trying so hard to fix everything and to do what is right for myself and my girls. But, everything falls apart beyond my control and I dont understand why. AND when it falls apart, it is really apart....broken, done or it is extremely hard to fix. I pray for an easy fix to just ONE situation. But, I must not be favorable in God;s eyes as that prayer has not ever happened. My garbage disposal is broken and now my sink is constantly clogged and I cant fix it and have no money to fix it. My toilet is now clogged and I cant fix it and have no car anymore to go out and buy a better plunge or Drano to unclog. My car just broke two weeks ago, but I cant fix it. I have no money to fix it. I just bought a new computer because my other laptop broke too...(only a year old). And any $$ that I could be making, I had to cancel because I need my car to get to my clients. SO, cancelled a bunch of clients this week which would have supplied me with my needed funds for my rent of my office which is suppose to be opened in January. So, now I dont even have that. I have no family to fall on. No one knows about my situation. No one and I dont know what to do. Imagine asking anyone for help. Ha. No one would believe how bad it is here. It sucks so much the aftermath of an abuse...the toll it takes on your mind and heart that you fall apart so much that you dont realize how far you fell apart when it is too late to really fix anything. And you secluded yourself so much that you have no where to turn to. I really feel myself having to leave to go away if something does not shift soon. I dont know what to do anymore to fix this. Since I am stuck at home without a car to see my clients, I have been selling everything I own on eBay to hopefully secure enought $$ to at least get my office and advertising and a down payment for a new car. This weather is getting cold and I cant be dragging my girls to the stores in this. One...its a long walk to the store...and two its embarrassing walking to the store. Sure let everyone see how bad that cop got me. Im trying so hard too...but without the funds to give me that jump start to just be able to afford a car and someone to fix my garbage disposal so I can finally have a clean sink. Wow...very pathetic I am. My dreams and goals are fading away because of my attempt to simply just survive and I cant even accomplish that. Wow. What the hell happened to me to be this. How could I have let that abuse affect me so much. How could I have let him have this power over me. How? I think I can finally sleep now. I hope...well only for 3 hours....man, this sux. I reallly need more sleep. And its not like I am out having fun. Im not. Im really trying...really trying. But, I think I need help for once in my life. I have been doing it since 13 on my own. 20 years later, after having 7 different life changes, having storm upon bigger storm attack me, having to constantly pick up the debris from each storm all by myself...just have the next wave come over me...and not little things...but huge life changing shit. I think it is time I get help somehow cause I simply cant do this on my own anymore. But I honestly have no idea what to do or how to. Ok...sleep now girl. Sleep.

Afraid to be alone

I was wondering if you really love someone do you just trust and believe in what they say and not worry if they are being loyal or not. Just enjoy your moments together and cherish them. So what that they may be cheating. I wonder does it even matter anyway. Every man cheats. So, if you choose to fall in love, or dont chose to and it just happens, you will be cheated on. So, you might as well not even snoop because you know you will find something. But, you want a warning so you will know to prepare and leave and not get too hurt before he leaves you for the one he is cheating with. So, you drive yourself crazy snooping and get hurt for something that you already knew was going to happen. You would be cheated on. You knew this. So, really who is blame for the pain you are feeling now. Just yourself. He only did what all men do. What you already know. So, you dont want to be alone. And your only option is marry someone who will cheat. So, what do you do. You can be alone and be safe from ever getting hurt. OR you can join a relationship that you know is doomed. So you give up your soul, because you are not comfortable being alone and give in to the con man who promises and you believe. A trained belief that you know is a lie. But, you keep pushing those horrible thoughts out of your head. You just want to believe. You pretend everything is ok...but deep inside you are a mess. You are killing yourself because you are afraid to be alone. Its so so sad.

Stand up and take back your life!

Everyday I learn something new about someone in my life, whether they are close to me or just someone I meet during out and about. Most of the time, it is people opening up to me about their hurts and abuse that has happened to them. It completely saddens me. So much I feel and it is so intense. I am beginning to be very angry over these issues and the way people are towards others. We are all human and we are trying to live this damn life and get through it all. There is so much to enjoy, but when people are greedy, arrogant, and lie and cheat and betray and belittle and be mean, it is so hard to really truely enjoy the beauty that exists in this world. So, often people dont even see it because of the hurt that these mean people cause. Its so unfair and it needs to stop. It needs to stop now. Sadly it wont stop now. I believe it can change. I believe it will one day. But, it wont change unless people stand up and express that they are sick of it and take action instead of sitting in front of that damn tv and letting falseness and pathetic displays cloud their reality, cloud their life. I am so sick of seeing all this hurt and abuse and nothing being done about it!

Excuses

I am going through something right now. People tell me that I am finally growing up and coming into my own. But, I find it all a little sad. For most of my life, I believed that people were all good inside and had good intentions. And, if they did something hurtful it was only because of something not being healed from thier past. I still wish to believe that. And, largely I do. But, I am wondering if I am just making excuses or is this really reality. There is so much corruption all over and greed. I am beginning to judge people for their wrong doings and I am beginning to be very suspicious of everyone. I use to go into every relationship just trusting right off. Unless, you were a BF, then I was suspicious that he would cheat. But, if he said he had not, I believed him. But, now when I meet a person, I have my walls up. I no longer am open and revealing about who I am anymore. I dont like that. I am living in fear because of these people misleading me. You know there is this belief that if you believe, it will happen. Well, I believed that people were decent inside. But, that does not make it so. As I write this blog, I realize even more that even the large scale injusticies and "wrongs" are built up from years and years or hardships, of people believing they need to impress to be accepted....probably because they were not fully accepted by parents OR because theit parents were well accepted and now that child feels the need to hold the same idolization as their parents had or some other deep seated issue. Am I again just making more excuses?

Changes in neighborhoods

Life is so different now from what it was before...that is nothing new to us. Our bushes and fences are higher to block out our neighbors. To hide from them and so they cant see what we are doing. We walk into our doors barely evening notice these people we live next to. We are afraid to even look at each other when we are on an elevator together or standing in line waiting to pay for our groceries. It is so sad and pathetic. I remember as a kid, walking by myself to the little market 6 blocks away, at the age of 6. I knew almost all the neighbors and the people employed at the market. My mother always shared tea and meals with our neighbors. They use to play cards together. We had cookouts and shared each others pools and yards. For fourth of July, the nieghbors all pitched in and bought fireworks that my stepfather set off for everyone. We gathered together. We enjoyed each other and we got along. It was fun. Why did that all change for most neighborhoods? Fear is what I think. And that is a shame that we have this fear of whether or not we could trust our neighbors because of a few greedy people. Most people, I believe, have good intentions and it is sad that we allow those few that are greedy keep us shut up hiding in our homes and behind our sunglasses.

Today is my mom's birthday

Today is my moms birthday and even though she has never called me to wish me a happy birthday since I was a teen, I feel the need to at least text her. Why is it so important to even want to be in contact with her, when she apparently is not concerned about me. She did give me away when I was 13 and never really attempted to have a relationship with me. I was the one that always called and always asked if I could go "home", although not much of a home to me. My brothers and sister just walk right in as if it is no big deal. They were never given away. While I feel the need to knock at the door, after calling first to ask permission to come. I think being abandoned by your family leaves you without any strong roots. You are often frayed looking for somewhere to be planted and tend to trust what should not be trusted because you have never learned what is safe to trust...so you dont recognize that which is safe to trust. That is not comfortable because it is foriegn to you.

Being abandoned by your family as a teen makes you rely on yourself completely. You have no where to turn, no one to help, no one to remind you that you are worthy or valuable. You need to remind yourself of these things and be able to sustain your life and dwelling because you will never have that back up in case you fall.

I feel my mother had to be hurt, and was dealing with her own issues and still has never came out from her cloud. She just falls deeper and deeper because of her regrets and shame. Who knows this is true. But, this is what makes me want to at least send her a happy birthday text. I would hate to believe that she is cold and anything purely negative within. I would hate to believe that of anyone.