Today is my mom's birthday

Today is my moms birthday and even though she has never called me to wish me a happy birthday since I was a teen, I feel the need to at least text her. Why is it so important to even want to be in contact with her, when she apparently is not concerned about me. She did give me away when I was 13 and never really attempted to have a relationship with me. I was the one that always called and always asked if I could go "home", although not much of a home to me. My brothers and sister just walk right in as if it is no big deal. They were never given away. While I feel the need to knock at the door, after calling first to ask permission to come. I think being abandoned by your family leaves you without any strong roots. You are often frayed looking for somewhere to be planted and tend to trust what should not be trusted because you have never learned what is safe to trust...so you dont recognize that which is safe to trust. That is not comfortable because it is foriegn to you.

Being abandoned by your family as a teen makes you rely on yourself completely. You have no where to turn, no one to help, no one to remind you that you are worthy or valuable. You need to remind yourself of these things and be able to sustain your life and dwelling because you will never have that back up in case you fall.

I feel my mother had to be hurt, and was dealing with her own issues and still has never came out from her cloud. She just falls deeper and deeper because of her regrets and shame. Who knows this is true. But, this is what makes me want to at least send her a happy birthday text. I would hate to believe that she is cold and anything purely negative within. I would hate to believe that of anyone.

Missing him so much.

Well, we have been broken up for over a month now...possibly even two months now. We were only together for 6 months, but it was the most intense 6 months with any guy I have ever dated. We grew extremely close and it was my first relationship after the abuse of the cop, so I was more vulnerable than I ever was and I so much wanted to trust a man. I never worked so hard to forgive and make a relationship work before. I never let myself fall so completely in love before him. Our chemistry was strong, our passion was unique and pure. I had no complaints except I found out he was dating another girl in our second month. Even though I never felt more betrayed ever by a bf, I excused it because we were early in our relationship. I was extremely hurt and my trust issue worsened. But, I already loved him. Really loved him, so I was willing to work through it with him and try to understand. I know he never spoke to her again. But, because of my unsureness if he was seeing someone else, I invaded his privacy by looking at messages and other things to be sure. The passion remained and my love for him grew. And he even asked me to move in with him. I really believed we both felt the same. It was the first time ever having this experience. I love before but never like this. I came to realize he was an alcoholic and was a seriel liar. He came to realize he has a problem and was willing to work on it to keep me. But, I think it got too hard for him to work on and he did not know how to do it and he would not talk to me about it. So, I think he pushed me away because it was easier to deal with life being drunk than without it. It really sux. It really hurts. I know who that man is underneath the hurt he hides under his alcohol. And he is beautiful. I miss that man. And I wish he would stop his drinking and wake up. I messed up too, though after I saw that he was seeing that girl. Acted out of hurt and that did not help. All I know is that I completely love him and miss him. Never felt like this before.