Struggling to want to live

For the past few months, I have been struggling to want to stay alive. Everything is so hard and I feel trapped and like there is no way out but down. I am tired and just wan to sleep forever. Tired of pretending to not be mad at what he did to me. Tired of struggling to get back to where I was before he did this to me. Tired of knowing that he is home with his family celebrating the holidays while I am unable to afford my children the gifts they deserve because they really are the best kids I could ask for. Nothing I seem to do matters anymore. I try so hard to get ahead but I cant. I cant even get a regular job because I am afraid to have a something consistant and have them know my schedule and set me up for something. I tried to get my office up and running and got the security in early and its 3 months later and the office is still not ready for me to move in...nothing of my own fault. Everything I touch falls to pieces except for the people who come to me for help..they walk away happy and more secure and live better lives. But, there is no one at all that I can turn to that does not want me for anything but sex. No one can really do anything to help me with my situation. Talk. Sure I could talk. But is talking going to help me get a new car, pay my cell phone bill, get my office open, get me the $$$ to pay for my rent and everything else? No. I am trying by every means possible, except anything illegal...and nothing is working. I dont sit home and watch tv, nor go out drinking, nor stay in drinking. I work and learn and work and exercise and work more. yet...I get caught in the middle of a tornado just getting my mail in the afternoon. When will it be easier? Its sucks not having family to turn to, even though they live only 2 hours away. It sucks when you are all alone...sure people are there to listen...but no one can help. I help all the time. I take my neighbor to the doctors once a month, make extra food for her for dinner cause I know she is lonely, give clothes to people who need them, give away jewelry to families who could gifts for their kids, use to give $$ to animal shelters and college funds when I had the $$, give free advice to people who ask, console and clean people places if I see they need it...and so on. And I want nothing in return. When someone offers anything to me...its because they want sex or a date. Is that all I am good for? Someone told me niceness wont get you anywhere. I think that sucks. I dont know how much longer I could survive in a world like this where niceness does not prosper. I tried the evil side and it is depressing...but then so is this nice side...ha. So might as well as be evil and get ahead, right? I would die inside if I did. Completely die. I am tired of the fights to just keep my nose above the water. Just to be showing my shoulders and have the deep sea dragon just grab me by my ankles and drown me until I can barely breathe.